All that I want

I want to laugh
I want to cry
I want to fall in love

I’d like to feel those butterflies
I’d let my heart go breakin’

I want to worry
I want to care
I want to start the nagging

I’d like that smile to be for me
I’d let my tears fall for you

I want to fight
I want to scream
I want the sleepless nights

I’d like to know if you’re okay
I’d let you know if I’m alright

I want that moment
I want that heart break
I want that feeling

I want to fall in love

I am beautiful

Created: May 27, 2007

In this mirror
I see magic
There’s no horror
It’s all basic

A pair of eyes
So filled with hope
Red chapped lips
With unwavering smile

It is neither perfect
Nor is it tragic
But it’s still magic
Because it’s there
It’s beautiful
And it’s me.

Have you ever had those moments, when you look at the mirror and you find the person on the other side truly beautiful? Well I have. It is not about being vain nor being conceited, it is about loving the fact of being ones self.

I have moments when I’m so insecure and I find myself hideous. Times, when I look at the mirror and hate the person staring back. But those are moments when I know that I’m just self conscious and just downright stupid.

Moments like this, on the other hand. Days when I find myself utterly beautiful, are days when my head thinks more clearly. These are the days when I love myself a little bit more than I used to. So when the day comes and I have moved from this moment to being insecure and miserable again, I would just read this entry again and I would remind myself that I’m beautiful. Others may not see that, I may not even see that sometimes, but there is no universal standard for beauty. BUT. There is a universal standard for feeling beautiful—and that is, loving yourself with all your flaws and imperfections. Because those things are the reason you are who you are.

I think I'm being played..

"The game"

You’re a player
But I’m no gambler
I like playing
If it means I’m winning

I just can’t beat you
You’re the master of your game
And I’m being kinda lame
For playing the pawn
In your one man game

But I’m a quick learner
I’m turning into quite a player
I have a royal flush
Are you feeling the rush?
I know your game
I’m reading it all the same
Your moves don’t alter
Your cards won’t matter
Coz right now I’m declaring
That it’s game over.

Love and Friendship part 4

Created: May 16, 2007

Si Friendship F ay kasalukuyang may bago ng "prospects" (with s) dahil dalawa ang bago niyang chuva. Although mahal pa din daw nya si fafa S, mukhang nakaka move on na sya. Pag dating talaga sa love, bilib ako dito kay Friendship F.

Si Friendship I naman ay hanggang ngayon puro kagagahan pa din ang ginagawa sa buhay. Sabi ni Venj sa last comment nya sa part 3 of this series, dapat daw bigyan na ng partner si Friendship I, yun nga lang pano mangyayari yun kung wala talaga. Si Friendship I, sa wakas ay may natitipuhan na din. Let's call that person Mr. C. Yun nga lang, etong si Friendship I ay nagbibigay ng mixed signals kay Mr. C, tipong kung titignan ay mukhang pinaglalaruan lang nya si Mr. C. But that's definitely not the case. Sadyang may innate and unconscious way lang si Friendship I to sabotage any potential relationship. Etong si Friendship I, dapat lakasan nalang nya ang loob nya ang go for what she wants. It's not like she's going to have to take the whole thing seriously, all she has to do is give this thing a chance. Come what way. Basta lang wag na nya hadlangan ang mga bagay bagay. Lokaloka ka din kasi tong si Friendship I eh! ewan ko ba.

Love and Friendship part 3

Created: April 27,, 2007

Updates on FRIENDSHIP A and B. Ayon, awa ng dyos, friends pa din cla. Walang kwenta! ahaha. ewan ko ba, everyone is going to be "relieved" once one of them speaks up. Ako naman sabi ko kay friendship A, kung wala pang development or progress in the next few months, then you have no more hope. Kaya naman hanap na ng ibang papa.

Friendship C, D and E- are now erased in this series. wala ng maganda pang mangyayari sa kanila kaya di na dapat pag usapan pa.

Moving on to Friendship F. Si Friendship F ay mayroon fafa S. Si fafa S ay kaka break lang sa kanya significant other kaya naman si friendship F who happens to be a very good friend of mine, 'affected' daw. Sabi nya, sad sya for fafa S. Sabi ko naman, dapat syang matuwa! hahahaha. nagpaka biatch daw ba?

Si Friendship G and H naman. Well, maraming issues involving them. Marami kasing issue si friendhip H. Pero mukhang hindi yun nakikita ni friendship G. Sabi ng marami gay daw si friendship H sabi naman ng ilan hindi daw. Character wise, swak naman sila.Last time I saw them, they're doing great. mukhang M.U forever sila.

Si Friendship I naman ang may pinaka nakaka bwisit na love life. Sa dami ng na link na, wala atang makapag succeed. I'll add more details on the story of friendship I sa susunod. Pag may maganda ganda ng pangyayari sa buhay nya.

Ayos na pala toh.

Ayos na pala ang blogger!!! amp.

I made a new blog in multiply because I couldn't access this damn site. I miss blogging here. I like blogging here. So.. I'm gonna try to activate this site again. I'm gonna keep on blogging here for about a few more weeks and if it doesn't get busted then I'm gonna screw my other blogsite so I can just focus on one.

bitter no more

I am finally over my ever dramatic mood. My bitterness, blues and worries has all gone away! Which makes me ecstatic.

First on my "oh so confused mind"- with regards to all that stuff on love. It has dawn on me that my first decision is truly for the best and though I may have had confused emotions a few days ago, today I have found clarity. No regrets, just the plain red light.

Second on my "self pity" going on with regards to my debating career. Well, I'm finally over it. My time will come and I did realize that I still have tons of room for improvement and that I have not done my best effort to help myself develop. Which is why, I have told myself its just a matter of will. If I have enough of that will to get me going and to make me improve then in the end I'd get what I deserve.

Thirdly, on my problematic "loosing myself" scenario, where in I felt like I'm not being myself and that I felt so lost. Well, now I'm back on my game. I know my goals and I'm ready to take them.

Life is soo sweet and soo good. I'm just glad that I finally got my mind all cleared up and I'm not confused and wasted anymore.

pink overload

I'm in pink.

Pink bag. Pink bracelet. Pink earings. Pink pendant. Pink undies.

This is my version of a therapy.

Yesterday I have participated on my *very first* debate competition for this school year. Unfortunately we were not able to break.

In all honesty I know for a fact that I was not compeletly ready, but I also knew that we had a good chance. We did our best that day and I would say that my team mates and I improved more and more. That's what upsets me the most. Knowing that we CAN do it but we didn't (no pun intended). I am not undermining other teams nor am I saying that the adjudication is unfair, but I really believe that we deserved to break. I am trying to forget about this whole thing but I can't. Not because I'm a sour loser but because this made me think - am I good enough? Good enough in the sense that, have I improved at all? am I even good? do I even have the slightest potential? is it too late for me to pursue this?

They said before that I had the potential. Back then I believed them, but then time drag on and my potential remained in potency. I'm not sure if I still have that potential.

I'm thinking of joining TDC. Back in highschool, I have already told myself that when I reach college I'm gonna debate. I even searched through the orgs of UST to see if they have an organization for debating! And then when I reached my freshman year, I decided I wanted to learn the basics first so as to be somehow presentable when I try-out for TDC. And now I'm in second year, going to my third year and I have so many regrets that keep flashing back to me.

What happened yesterday threw all my regrets from the past back to my face.

And so I'm wearing pink. ... now I think I need a sundae.

friends 1, 2 and 3 ...

To say that I’m confused is the understatement of the century. To say that I’m afraid is perhaps a statement too obvious that it shouldn’t even be mentioned.

Its been a crazy week for me. With the pressure from the academes, the org and the ones I have self inflicted. I would say its been a bumpy week. But lets not get into all the things which I loathe over the last few days. Lets focus on an issue which I still am carrying to this very moment. With all the things I had to do the last few days, I barely had anytime to talk to anyone about this thing. Luckily, last thursday, my highschool buddy and I met up and I gave her a brief summary of this particular issue. Lets call my friend as friend 1.

Friend 1 is one of my best buddies back in high school. She’s about as cynical as anyone could be about love. She views it in the most liberated way possible, and because of too many experiences (actual and vicarious) she has become cold in that area. She’s more of being - practical and just have loads of fun with people. I told friend 1 that my initial assessment of myself is that I’m just going through a phase. Since, I admittedly am possessive by nature. It’s like having this dress in your closet which you’d never really wear but you wouldn’t give to anyone else. It’s kind of like that. Knowing her. She agreed with me.

Later that day, I couldn't help myself so I talked to friend 2. Friend 2 tells me that there may be two possible reasons for my distress. First, I just lost the assurance of being loved and all that shit, that now I’m looking for it, just because I lost it. Or, I may actually love that certain person and that I just couldn’t accept it. My friend preferred the latter. Knowing that this friend of mine is “in love with love” I decided that friend 2 may not be the best person to talk about such things. And so I went to friend number 3.


Friend 3 is perhaps the one closest to my personality. When it comes to matters of the heart, we both try to rationalize things, we are both cynic- having heard and seen a bit too many of “relationships” and at the same time we are both idealist. Cynical and Idealistic. Yep, we are indeed, THAT weird. My friend came to a hypothesis (at first she was already concluding. But I detest the term so she changed the term), she thinks that I may already like the person and I just don’t want to admit it. But of course, she also tells me that I have to be sure that I’m feeling this not for the wrong reasons.

Honestly. There’s this big probability that I just don’t want to accept it. But I may also be going through some kind of possessive phase. My has changed A LOT in such a short span of time regarding this matter. And I don’t want to rush into anything.

But if ever it turns out that I do really like him. I have another problem coming. I’m not sure if its worth it. That person, in fairness to him, is an okay guy. Him per se is kinda worth it. But him and me? It’s a big question (?) mark.

I said that me being confused is perhaps the understatement of the century. Why? Coz just a few weeks ago, I was 100% sure, that I don’t want anything like this. Coz a few weeks ago, I was absolutely and positively sure that putting on the red light is the best thing to do.

philces debate

Sayang talaga, hindi ako nakapag try out! Hmm. I really feel and I'm positively sure that I need to train and I need to somehow "level up" in my debating skills. I was asked by one of my org mates to join the Philces debate, but I wasn't able to go during the day of the tryouts. Hmm.. I'll take this as a sign. Pag nakasali pa din ako, tutuloy ko na ang debate career ko, pag hindi, then ... bahala na....